No Magic!

Fabio...no, Tommy.

No, Fabio...I give up!

ENGLAND 2 - 2 CZECH REPUBLIC

The final whistle has just blown on a very confusing game at Wembley Stadium, where Fabio Capello (the England team's very own Tommy Cooper) has just masterminded a dismal, last-minute draw against the Czechs.

It looked bad on paper - Gerrard playing left wing, Beckham on the right, Rooney playing just behind...DEFOE. Yes the 5'7'' Defoe. Not a different, tall one that can hold the ball up.

Defoe, looking little.

The first half was the better of the two, with the first twenty minutes providing good shots at both ends, Gerrard and Baros forcing smart saves from Cech and James respectively. On 22 minutes, Wes Brown has one of his trademark 'i can't believe he is a professional footballer' moments, randomly charging at, and then past, Radek Sirl, who simply checked, and played the ball to Baros inside the box. He struck a shot that ricocheted off Ashley Cole past David James.

However, it did sem that falling behind was a good thing, as it forced the sluggish England representatives into some movement. A few attempts on goal followed, but Cech was never really taxed by Defoe or Gerrard from long range. A last throw of the dice before half time came in the shape of a corner on the right. Beckham swung in a delicious ball, and Brown atoned for his earlier error with a powerful header.

Now here is what i fail to understand. At half-time, after such a weak performance, you would expect something completely different in the second half. Maybe bring on some pace and movement on the flanks - Joe Cole, Bentley. It needed somebody... Fabio recognised this, and what did he pull out of his Fez to save the game? Emile Heskey. Obviously someone was listening when that drunk bloke sang 'Heskey for England' for a laugh when West Ham won at the JJB on Saturday. The dangers of alcohol...

(Oh, half-time also contained the news that Brian Barwick is leaving Dec 31st.)

Heskey came on and everything changed. If by changed I mean stay the same. Or by everything mean nothing. Within 3 minutes Barry (already booked for bad first half tackle) clattered into a Czech attacker in a dangerous area, showing why Scousepool's owners may have been justified when baulching at his £18m price tag. Jankulovski curls a sumptuous strike into the top corner, with David James forgetting the basic rule of goalkeeping - at least TRY to stop the ball - maybe standing in the right place could help with that? Still, what do I know. Literally nothing happens then for ten minutes, and Capello brings on Joe Cole and Bentley...sorry, no, Cole and WOODGATE?! A few minutes later, and there is a dangerous attack... no, not for us - Heskey miscontrolled - but a fast counter by the Czechs. An obviously bored James comes thundering out maybe 30 yards towards the Czech player, who rounds him comfortably. Fortunately the angle is too tight and he hits the side-netting. James laughs.

A further 15 mins without any kind of excitement, and Capello decides enough is enough. He replaces one of the strikers, Rooney, with... Stuart 'oh, is he still in the squad?' Downing. The midfielder. Beckham remains on the right. Passes go awry, his crosses are underhit, he runs from one side of the pitch to the other confusing everyone. The Coles put some neat passes together, Downing actually looks ok. On 80 mins, Lampard is booed off the park. He takes Beckham with him. Finally. Bentley and Jenas replace. The Czechs continue to play the neat football they have played all match. On 90 mins things look desperate. Downing does some good work, beating a man and winning a corner. Bentley whips it in, and in the ensuing chaos Joe Cole prods it over the line. Finally, finally... the match ends.

Very disappointing. No wonder Barwick is getting out... although apparently leaving England in a 'strong position'. I might nip to the bookies and place a small bet on Andorra for the 6th...